Dec 3, 2012

Distraction...or avoidance?

The periods of distraction are growing longer and longer.  This weekend, in fact, was one long loverly distraction.  Here are some specifics:

I baked a walnut-cinnamon apple crumble,

began to journal in this gift from one of my friends here,

and, on Sunday morning, sang (yes, sang!) soul-settling Christmas music with a family I will miss dearly.  (I wish I had a photo of us to post here for you - that, I suppose, will come in time.  But trust me - if I ever return to Galway, it will be to visit this family.)

Distraction.  It was just...good, in the simplest kind of way.  The musical, peaceful, restful kind of way.  So of course, I held onto it for as long as I could.  You see, while this girl is a far tamer version of the one who left home in August, she laughed this weekend.  Laughed.  (And she struggled with guilt about it afterward, but why don't we ignore that for now?)

Fast-forward to a few hours ago...

I nudged the front door open for the first time in a few days.  The tiles lay slick beneath my feet as I puttered around in search of my slippers and coffee cup.

I wriggled into a sweatshirt and sighed: it was so much easier to smile when I wasn't here.  Get a grip.  Just smile.  Be grateful for the family you still have.

I brushed my hair and took a good, hard look at myself.  Tell the truth, now: did you really spend the weekend in rest...or was it a few days of avoidance?

Friends, this roller-coaster has got me beat - beat, and confused.

Because just being here makes me want to flee from the weariness pressing in.

Because my head hangs heavy with the old, familiar fear.

Because my body is reclaiming that dull, visceral ache and yes, I know why death happens...but that doesn't mean it's not ugly and unfair.

I settle into my desk chair, click around a bit on my laptop, stare at folders full of Neurophysiology and Endocrinology notes.  Oh, and that was due last week, wasn't it?  Oh, well.  Snap out of it, girl.  Since when do you ignore due dates?  You used to love the challenge of this work.  Where's that trademark motivation?  Why don't you care anymore?  What's wrong with you?

Perhaps I ought to try to detach for awhile - detach from Galway, from people, from myself if I can manage it.  Both of my final exams are in days - one on Thursday at 9:30 am and the other on Friday at 2:30 pm - and I don't know how else I'm going to finish studying.

Life is not ours to take or give.  Although that's God's domain, not mine, I never used to mind relinquishing that much control.

And then it got personal.

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